26.11.12
I keep thinking about Gedi, I wish he would make up his mind about us
soon. I love him and I want to be with him.
I wish he would make up his mind. I love him…so much.
We haven’t spoken properly is a long time, I have not seen him is so
so long, I miss his smile. I head his voice for a minute on Sunday, it
hurt, I couldn’t speak, I just broke into a cry. Hearing his beautiful
voice reminded me how much I miss him. It is so painful not to see or
talk to him. I asked him yesterday if we could webcam, he said he was
sad and so we didn’t. At the end of the conversation he asked me, but
by then I was in tears and just couldn’t. I’m not the kind of person
who cries, but in the last few months I have cried a lot.
I know I’m selfish…but I wish he would move to London for me. I have a
job here, a good one…with a chance of an even better one. I make more
than enough to support us both…he could learn the language and teach
me German, he could do some internships, get experience. I’m sure it
would look good on his CV that he has worked in London. I believe I
could make him happy, but I cannot take him away from school, I’m not
that cruel.
I keep thinking if we are really meant to be? My heart screams yet, my
brain is not so sure. We are so different, different countries, he has
a life there, I have one here.
Yesterday he said he is thinking of moving to Ireland. That’s just
ridiculous, why would he want to move there if I’m here… If he moved
there, it would be the end of us for sure. I could not move there,
Germany maybe but Ireland…it just seems ridiculous to me.
I try to not think about it, because it I think about him, I start to
cry. I’m so tired of crying; of everything, missing him…being
apart…it’s all too hard. Part of me just wants to give up; if we are
meant to be together we will find each other again in the future. But
a bigger part of me cannot, I cannot lose him, just the thought of it
makes me weak. I need him in my life; a life without him is not worth
living.
I check my email every 5 minutes, wishing, hoping he would email me. I
wish I knew how he felt, what he is thinking. Yesterday I said a lot,
his replies were mostly mhm, yes, no and I understand how you feel. I
felt so silly, I let him read me like an open book, but I don’t know
anything that he is thinking.
