Blue Obsession

a bit of everything bluee

26.11.12

I keep thinking about Gedi, I wish he would make up his mind about us
soon. I love him and I want to be with him.

I wish he  would make up his mind. I love him…so much.

We haven’t spoken properly is a long time, I have not seen him is so
so long, I miss his smile. I head his voice for a minute on Sunday, it
hurt, I couldn’t speak, I just broke into a cry. Hearing his beautiful
voice reminded me how much I miss him. It is so painful not to see or
talk to him. I asked him yesterday if we could webcam, he said he was
sad and so we didn’t. At the end of the conversation he asked me, but
by then I was in tears and just couldn’t. I’m not the kind of person
who cries, but in the last few months I have cried a lot.

I know I’m selfish…but I wish he would move to London for me. I have a
job here, a good one…with a chance of an even better one. I make more
than enough to support us both…he could learn the language and teach
me German, he could do some internships, get experience. I’m sure it
would look good on his CV that he has worked in London. I believe I
could make him happy, but I cannot take him away from school, I’m not
that cruel.

I keep thinking if we are really meant to be? My heart screams yet, my
brain is not so sure. We are so different, different countries, he has
a life there, I have one here.

Yesterday he said he is thinking of moving to Ireland. That’s just
ridiculous, why would he want to move there if I’m here… If he moved
there, it would be the end of us for sure. I could not move there,
Germany maybe but Ireland…it just seems ridiculous to me.

I try to not think about it, because it I think about him, I start to
cry. I’m so tired of crying; of everything, missing him…being
apart…it’s all too hard. Part of me just wants to give up; if we are
meant to be together we will find each other again in the future. But
a bigger part of me cannot, I cannot lose him, just the thought of it
makes me weak. I need him in my life; a life without him is not worth
living.

I check my email every 5 minutes, wishing, hoping he would email me. I
wish I knew how he felt, what he is thinking. Yesterday I said a lot,
his replies were mostly mhm, yes, no and I understand how you feel. I
felt so silly, I let him read me like an open book, but I don’t know
anything that he is thinking.

goodbye for now.

Today i said goodbye, the next time we talk, he will decide our future…I told him not to contact me until he figures himself out. I feel so lost, lonely and confused. The tears roll down my face, my heart feels like its being torn out of me. 

I really thought i found the solution to our problem, he wanted only a few months…i found a way to do that. Then he said he doesn’t want that anymore. 

I don’t go out

i don’t smoke

I dont drink

I don’t talk to my ex’s

I don’t talk to anyone anymore…

I don’t have facebook

I do save

I to study

I do try…

Am I so blindly in love, that i cannot see that he doesn’t want us anymore.If there is a problem i try to fix it, i do everything i can…am i not trying hard enough?

I’m ready to give up everything for love, for him. He doesn’t want it…why am i still trying? 

He was the one who said it. If we are not together by January its over, but now he wants to wait…he doesn’t love me anymore…he doesn’t believe in us. 

After everything that has happened I’m not surprised. I’m the only person stupid enough to believe in love the way I do. I believe it is stronger than anything. If you love someone enough, you will do anything for them, i just wish he loved me half as much as i love him.

I’m already scared. The pain. The heartache. Its coming…i can feel it, we made it through a lot together…but the way he is acting, he has never acted like that before…i think this is the end for us. I feel numb. I want to disappear. i don’t want to be in pain. I don’t want to live without him.